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Talk:Clear Start/@comment-24094348-20141020191442
Chapter 1 Inbetween the Pirate Captain and Galt's conversation and the evening time skip you should have put some more descripiton to the resterant you spoke of. With him simply saying try the "Try the lentil soup at Protea restaurant!” ", I have no idea in space were this is, or why was this even mention. The conversation went from can you fix my sword to go eat soup at this resteraunt. Dialog needs a bit more smoothing. Also the angry mobs logic is flawed, but it is an angry mob. They are not the smartest group of people. I held nothing against you for them, but just wanted to say that. I take any chance I can get to insult the mob mentality. Oh Also Galt is way too nice, I would not offered to give them back a single penny. Chapter 2 You did a great job of describing tallis, however the part about her background with her father and living with her parents, that part I think is a bit unecessary and is redundant. We know she has her two parents because you described and told us about them earlier. And you also did not mention her having siblings. I don't think we needed a overview of what we read only a few minutes ago. When you spoke of her hobbies and the fact that she got into a fight with her father, that was ok. It was new information and stuff that gave you a inside to the characters personality. Also you don't have to tell us she got into a fight with her father if you are going to write about it, but that is more of a writters choice than a flaw I guess. Some people like to narrorate and then show. It works well in plays and in telivision shows so it is acceptable in writting. I did however like the fact that the father was doing the same thing his daughter was going. It gave me a good chuckle. Also good use of poker face, one of my favorite exspressions by the way. The fisherman was a good add, but I have to say one thing. You should never mix chimesty and cookies. Very bad combination. It is like asking to poison yourself. Just saying. Chapter 3 Sensei was hillarious. I also find it weird how the kid has to earn a rapier but you get katana off the back. It not that there is anything wrong wit it, but rather most people put Katana's on the higher scale than they do Rapiers. So it was a bit surprising. Their sudden agreement to steal a prescious stone is a bit rushed to me, but considering the time we wrote it it is alright. Chapter 4 Morisi beign CP was surprising. However I did not find that many flaws in this chapter so Instead I will beging nickpicking. First off why don't the gang lander and his goons have names. They could have said them talking to each other. If the other kid was Cp why was he at the dojo in the first place. What kids at dojos study alchemy. Why is alchemy banned. :D Told you it was going to be nickpicking. Chapter 5 You could have told all that in story form instead of exsposition. Overall Overall I like the story. It had some rough parts in the behining and I really don't like finding out the MC's parents backstory, but that is just me and my love of MC focus stories. Personally I think the story would have been better in novel format, but I am a novel format guy. Over all I actully loved the story. The character was interesting and there were several people throughout the tale that were interesting characters. All you really have to do is polish up on your conversations switches and make a few more things clear.